Jokes, Cartoons and Great Stories

May the Lord Put a Smile on Your Face !!

Here are two videos you must see!  Just click on the website addresses listed below, find the video start arrow and watch it.  

WARNING!!  These addresses take you to the video site called "Youtube" which has other videos on it that many may find questionable in their content.  We do not recommend that you view anything other than the videos we have listed here. 

1.  The 1st is a video of Steve Martin with a Bluegrass Gospel Group, singing a song from the "The Athiests' Hymnal" (Sent by Kevin Scrivo and Kevin Young).  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFWA1A9XFi8

2.  The 2nd video is a tape of a skit from one of Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio shows.  It is about a church considering new ways to reach out to the odd folks in their community (Sent by Lucinda Wiebe).

http://youtu.be/73hv6KXJW8I




More Jokes and Stories: 

(Added June 7 -from Kevin)

THE  CHURCH DINNER!

A group of friends from a small rural church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.  The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.  When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.

But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They cost too much."  He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."   She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."  He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."  So Janet decided to give it a try.  She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back  porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.  All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.  After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and  dominoes.  About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.  She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.  After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.  The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as  possible.  We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.  One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. The scene was not pretty.
 
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.  By now the guests were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room.  

It was then that the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You  know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"


(Added May 29)
From Kevin: 

HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.


GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked,  "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No,"replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."  "How come He doesn't answer it?"  she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,"And all girls." It soon became part of her nightly routine to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.


(Added April 08)

1.  Sent from Chet (originally from John Small):

"Early Morning Police Stop"

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

2.  From Kevin (sent to him from Leona):

"Bible Quiz"

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once..

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan, The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan .....)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . ... . "He-brews"

3.  Sent from Kevin:

"Two Dollar Story"

(its kind of long, but well worth the read):

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill.  I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me:  'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'  Server:  'That'll be $1.04.  Eat in?'
Me:  'No, it's to go.'  At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.  He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server:   'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No.  A what?'
Server:    'A $2 bill.  This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else.  There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server:    'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these.

Do you have anything else?'

Me:    'Just this fifty.  You don't take $2 bills?  Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me:    'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server:    'Yeah.'
Me:    'So, why won't you take it?'
Server:    'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager:  'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server:   'Yeah, a fifty.  I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server:    'What should I do?'
Manager:  'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server:         'I can't tell him that!  You tell him.'
Manager:  'Just tell him.'
Server:    'No way!  This is weird.  I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock!  Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager:  'We don't take those, either.'
Me:     'Why not?'
Manager:  'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager   'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager:  'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me:     'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me:        'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager:     'Would you please just leave?'
Me:    'No.'
Manager:     'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me:          'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.  A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard:    'No kidding!  What?'
Manager:    'Get this.  A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous):  'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager:     'I don't know.  He's kinda weird.  He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager:    'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard:  'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager :   'I don't know!  Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard:  'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me:     'Uh, no.'
Guard:   'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.  I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.  He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 

Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager:     'It's fake.'
Guard:    'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager:    'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard:   'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's out of his mind and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is indeed out of his mind.  So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

 4.  Sent from Kevin:

THE
BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new

Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw
something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!  He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,  'What was that all about and who are you? Just   what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that

brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.  Why did you do it?'

The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister....please,  I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'  "With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.

'It's my brother he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'  Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt  and he's too heavy for me.'

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. 

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless  you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.  He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 

'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers to our souls and speaks to our hearts sometimes when we don't have

time to listen, so He has to throw a brick at us.  It's our choice to listen or not.'

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - God is crazy about you!